Strawberry Diary: My First Boudoir

When you do something so right that it feels like the first time

In truth, this was my second boudoir shoot with Jasemine Denise Photography. My first was last year after an anime convention, it was a fun time exploring my sense of intimacy with the help of some rope, as well as the Deviant harness and the Caden collar from SKG Designs. It turned out pretty great, but for some reason, didn’t feel like me. The photos were amazing, but that’s because Jasemine Denise is an amazing photographer. As always, she pulled out of me, what I didn’t know was there. For the first time in my life, I felt sexy. However, it wasn’t my sexy, but a peek of me during sex. Like the difference between looking my lover in the face and inviting him into me, and send a hookup text.

In truth, being sexy outside of sexual acts is a talent I simply don’t have, and attempting boudoir again terrified me. I kept telling myself I wouldn’t be able to be sexy until after I transitioned. But, that’s the thing about working with, or even simply knowing Jasemine Denise. Spend enough time with her, and the impossible begins to look possible.

See the difference? In all honesty, I don’t even recognize the girl on the left. That’s the girl who was considering a career in sex work, just so she could be touched. That girl is still hurting, having been used for her body too many times. That girl’s heart was ignored for 20 years, she didn’t even really want to be seen. The girl on the right? That girl knows how to love herself, knows the love of amazing friends who love her for who she is unconditionally, and doesn’t ever want to hide herself again.

The poses I did, unlike the first shoot, were intentional, planned. Every pose was inspired by my favorite painter, the incredible Jimena Reno. Jimena’s art, to me, is a reflection of the intimacy of womanhood. Her work is absolutely amazing, and each painting is unmistakably hers. She never feels like she’s imitating anyone, there’s a knowing confidence in all of her work. That warmth, that depth of self as an artist, and as a woman, is something I deeply admire. I wanted to see if I could find something like that within me, a genuine sense of womanhood, which is especially hard when you’re transgender and haven’t transitioned. Thanks to Jasemine Denise, and her team, as well as Jimena Reno’s inspiring work, I found it that day. The girl on the right knows who she is, and I’m so grateful to be her.

Also, I’d like to thank Jasemine Denise photography not only for the shoot itself, but for the environment in which it took place. This was during a special event that usually happens two or three times a year, the Jasemine Denise Boudoir Weekend, where they choose a central location, and models and clients can all gather together and hang out while they create. It’s chaotic, and for Jasemine and her team it is non-stop work. What feels like a party for their clients, is a marathon for them. This was my first time attending and it was the experience of a lifetime. I absolutely can’t wait for the next one!

PS: Jimena actually LIKED what we did! Attention or external validation should never be the goal, but it is always cool when someone who inspires you likes what you do with that inspiration

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